sitting in class.  the teacher conspicuously absent.

two kids walk in, asking if anyone will sign a petition to keep me from going on the spanish club trip.

i don’t even know these kids.  are they the ones calling my house, telling me i’m a bitch, a cunt, deserve to die?

the room is completely silent.  kids i’ve known since i could walk, they’re just sitting there, watching me. 

these are my friends, these silent cowards. 

they know the truth and they just sit there.

if i go on the trip, the teacher will cancel it, the two kids are saying.  i must be stopped, they say.

she’s mad at my father.  i’m a disease, a cancer, a blight on their perfect world that must be excised.

i’m all bravado that i’m not feeling.  i raise my hand, “i’ll sign it”.

daddy’d decorated my birthday present with this clown and i’d kept it in my scrapbook.  deciding to use it for baby bro’s wall, i loved it – daddy had made it and it was something connecting me to the baby boy.

the original clown

really cute, painted on baby bro’s wall…. hell, once we tried to paint over it.

my mother told me stories of growing up in the 50s, raised by her nanny and the inequality the woman faced.  that someone would have treated her unjustly, unfairly, and with prejudice was more than I could grasp.  “why?” was unanswerable.

“lulu” (her nickname, not mine) and husband

“I lived at this woman’s little house and for quite some time as I was just a tiny girl, I thought she was my Mother - and for all intents and purposes she was. She had no electricity, no gas, and no running water - but she had an abundance of love. We went to bed when it got dark and got up when it was daylight. When we walked downtown to see my parents she had to walk behind me - and when we got to the restaurant - I went in the front door - and this woman who was charged with protecting me with her very life - had to go in the back door. It wasn’t that my parents were mean people - it was just not done any other way - or my father would have had to close his business. This woman fed me, cooked my meals on a wood stove, taught me my manners, bathed me in a tin tub, and I slept on her arm every night. She walked me to church every Sunday and held my hand when I was sick - but she could not go with me into public places. She was a simple woman, yet wise, courteous, and concerned - and I owe much of the person that I am today to her! I loved her dearly and named my daughter after her.” - from my mother

i was 2.  we’d just moved in and i remember standing in my playpen, a couple of toys at my feet, watching as my dad put the paneling up in our den.  i wanted ~out~ so that i could help daddy.

taken years later, my parents standing in front of the ~infamous~ paneled wall, preparing to go out.

i… got stuck!

i think the idea behind x365 is absolutely wonderful.  when i started doing my own, i first sat down and made a list of all the names of people in my life that i could think of.  while i had a fairly good number of people, i was nowhere near 365.  in part, because some names i’ve just forgotten, even tho i have clear memories of the people, and in some cases, i never knew their name.  wanting to take part in this, i set out to do so even if my list wasn’t full.  after all, dan did it! (dan being the guy who started x365.)  but as i began writing about these people who had touched my life in some way, i began to realize how many of these people were no longer living.  the idea was for this to be a ~positive~ thing, but instead it became quite sad to me.

so, i got stuck.

i still love the idea behind it, however.  i think i just need to change it a bit to fit ~me~ a bit better.  my life is a series of experiences, good and bad, shaped by people, events, and the circumstances around me.  i am a sum of all those parts.  while there have been many people that i cherished in my life, sometimes it’s the smallest thing done by a stranger that can have great meaning for you.  so rather than listing ~people~, i’m choosing to list ~memories~.  when i can, i’ll keep it to the 41 words, but if not, that’s okay too.  this gives me a bit more breathing room, is a bit more relaxed and can be a bit more ~me~.

now to see if i can ~un~stuck